You made me cry and you don't even care
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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