When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
