I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
We had sex on a dog bed..
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
