Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
