they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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