There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
