no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
