Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
