I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
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why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
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my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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