When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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