Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
