I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
