I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
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I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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