I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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