i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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