I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
