Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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