people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
my sisters under your porch take her home
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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