Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize