I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
