the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
