I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
