On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
