Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
two words: eviction party
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
