I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
someone owes me an orgasm
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
