Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
