i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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