i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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