i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
