So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
farters have to be the big spoon...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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