Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
