genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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