Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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