do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
