just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Drake has all the answers
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
