i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
