everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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