Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
