We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I faked an abortion last night.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
