i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
