You work out of a Hotel?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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