I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
