that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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