I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
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I'm getting married
To pizza
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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