he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
