So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
