I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
