Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
