i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
