just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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