the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
