I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
