my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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