I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
