I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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