My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
