i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
