so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
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he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
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Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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