I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
whose parrot is this?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee