based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.